Hook line and single, p.8
Hook, Line and Single, page 8
She’d smiled. ‘Actually, that seems perfectly reasonable. Lead on.’
In the end, the most expensive restaurant was not only ludicrously beyond our budget, but we’d both agreed, from studying the menu, that it wasn’t our kind of thing anyway. Instead, Sam had booked us into the Italian one, which we both liked the look of very much. We’ve also booked onto a tour of Pompeii tomorrow, as it seemed easier than organising it ourselves. Finally, we picked up a booklet with the details of all the other shore excursions so we can compare them to my own plans and decide which is better. I’m still convinced that Sam is going to drop me like a hot brick as soon as she spots someone that takes her fancy, but she’s adamant that we’ll do all the port excursions together. We’re now leaning over my balcony, watching the flurry of activity below as the ship gets ready to depart. When the last ropes are released, the ship gently starts to ease away from the quay and we enthusiastically join in with the cheering we can hear coming from the other balconies. As it noses out into the channel leading to the open sea, there’s a deafening blast from the horn, which makes both of us jump.
‘Right,’ Sam says as Civitavecchia recedes slowly from sight. ‘I’ve got a party to get to. Are you sure you’ll be OK on your own until dinner?’
I’m too excited to be cross with her any more. ‘I’ll be fine,’ I tell her with a smile. ‘Go and have fun. What time do you want to meet?’
‘Eight o’clock at the main dining room?’ she suggests.
‘I’ll be there.’
‘Thank you, Ruby.’ Her tone is suddenly serious.
‘For what?’
‘For not totally losing your shit with me.’
I grin. ‘There are ten days of this cruise. Plenty of time.’
‘Nah,’ she replies. ‘The worst is over. It’s going to be a blast from here.’
‘Actually, that reminds me. I have a question before you go.’
‘Of course. What’s up?’
‘Do I know everything now?’
‘Absolutely. No more surprises. Or if there are, they’ll only be nice ones.’
Having studied the Scandia Cruises dress code, which requests gentlemen wear smart casual clothing after 6 p.m. but doesn’t actually tell you what that means for women, I’ve changed into one of my dresses so, having given Sam a quick hug, I head towards the pool deck where the sail away party is being held. Although the sun has dropped, it’s still warm up here and there’s a convivial atmosphere. A band is playing and people are standing around, chatting and drinking. The bar is well staffed so, even though there’s a bit of a queue, it doesn’t take me long to get a drink and I wander over to the railing with it. The ship is starting to pick up speed now, and the seagulls are diving into the foaming wake, evidently hoping the disturbance of the water will bring some fishy treats to the surface.
It’s truly idyllic up here, but I’m very conscious of being alone. Everyone else is either in couples or groups of some kind. A burst of laughter from my left catches my ear and I turn to see where it came from. A man who appears to be in his late sixties is regaling his companions with a story. His face is flushed and they’re all listening attentively, laughing uproariously when he evidently reaches the punchline. My focus shifts to a couple behind them; she’s wearing an elegant, full-length dark blue dress and he’s in pale chinos with a dark blue shirt open at the neck. They’re holding champagne glasses and chatting quietly. As I watch, he slips his arm around her lower back and bends to kiss her. It’s a lingering kiss, not showy or vulgar, but enough to signal to anyone watching that they are a couple very much in love. As they break apart, she smiles widely and chinks her glass against his. I find myself studying their hands, trying to work out if they’re newlyweds or maybe recently engaged. He’s definitely not wearing a ring, and her left hand is obscured by her body so, after a while, I give up and return my gaze to the sea.
‘È una bella vista, vero?’ a voice says next to me. I turn to see a man who I’d guess is in his late forties. His tanned face sits beneath dark shiny hair that’s slicked back and, despite the fading light, his eyes are invisible behind his dark glasses. He must have bathed in his floral aftershave, because the scent is almost overpowering.
‘I’m sorry, were you talking to me?’ I ask.
‘Oh, you are English,’ he replies, switching languages. ‘My apologies, you looked Italian. I couldn’t help noticing that you seemed to be alone, and I asked myself, “Guido, why is such a beautiful woman on her own?” I was curious, so I had to come and find out. Tell me, what is your name?’
‘Ruby, and I’m not alone,’ I stammer quickly. ‘I’m, aah, with a group.’
‘A group?’ He seems amused. ‘Where is this group? I have been watching you since you arrived and I did not see any group.’
‘They’re in a room downstairs, having a party,’ I explain while desperately trying to give off ‘please leave me alone’ vibes. I know I was feeling a bit isolated before, but I’d prefer that to being chatted up by Guido.
‘It must be a very boring party if you would rather be up here on your own,’ he observes, moving his hand along the rail so it’s resting against mine.
‘It’s not a boring party, actually,’ I tell him firmly, moving my hand away. ‘I just came up here because I wanted a breath of fresh air. I’m going back to join them in a minute.’
‘Ah, the movement of the boat, it is making you ill, yes? You will get used to it. You just need something to, how do you say, make you think of something else.’
‘A distraction,’ I say automatically, unable to resist offering the correct word.
‘A distraction,’ he repeats. ‘Exactly. Guido will help to distract you, yes?’ He smiles to reveal teeth so white and even that they must be veneers. Once again, he moves his hand along the rail, this time covering mine completely and leaving me in little doubt about what kind of distraction he has in mind. I think not.
‘I’m not seasick, and I don’t need distracting, thank you,’ I tell him in my frostiest voice as I yank my hand out from underneath his. ‘In fact, I think I’m going to go and rejoin my friends now. Goodnight, Guido.’
If he’s picked up on my tone, he chooses to ignore it as he seizes my hand again, this time lifting it to his lips and kissing it before letting it drop.
‘Buonanotte, bellissima,’ he murmurs. ‘I look forward to seeing you again very soon, Ruby.’
As I hurry away, my first priority is to find somewhere to wash my hands. Some of Guido’s aftershave must have transferred onto them as I can still smell him as I go indoors. The barely perceptible movement of the boat might not be a problem, but his scent is definitely making me feel queasy. Having scrubbed my hands furiously in the nearest ladies’, I’m now presented with a dilemma. There’s still three quarters of an hour before I’m due to meet Sam for dinner and, although this ship has no shortage of other bars, my experience with Guido has made me wary. I pull out the map from my handbag and locate the Nautilus lounge. I know I said wild horses wouldn’t drag me to the Singles Mingle, but at least Sam will be there.
‘It’s our missing traveller!’ Orange Barry cries in delight when I arrive. ‘Although you haven’t got your badge with you, tut tut.’
‘I forgot it, sorry. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. Can I swap it for a red one, please?’
His eyes widen. ‘Really? You’ve found someone already? Who is it?’
‘No, I haven’t found anyone. I’m just not in the market.’
He tilts his head quizzically. ‘But you signed up for the Friends of Marco Polo.’
‘Technically, I didn’t,’ I explain. ‘My friend Sam signed me up without my knowledge.’
‘But you’re single, yes?’
‘Yes.’
‘Phew. That really would have been an awkward conversation. We take a dim view of infiltrators.’ He smiles conspiratorially as he says it, but I can’t help thinking he’s actually being serious.
‘So what would have happened if I’d actually been in a relationship?’ I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.
‘That would make you ineligible for our group, and you’d be charged the full single occupancy of a double cabin supplement,’ he says, this time leaving me in no doubt that he means it.
‘Just as well I’m single then, isn’t it. But I’m really not looking for a relationship, Barry, so can I just have a red badge please?’
He changes to a sorrowful expression that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘Sorry, sweetie,’ he says. ‘My group, my rules. You only get a red badge if you’ve coupled up exclusively with someone else in the group. Here’s an amber one. Try to remember to bring it in future. I have got lots, but it’s not an inexhaustible supply. Now, go and meet people. I’ve reserved some tables in the main restaurant for us all, so you’ve got plenty of time to get to know someone.’
I may have already had a glass of wine at the sail away party, but something tells me this is going to be a long evening, so I make my way over to the bar to get a drink. On the way, I spot Sam deep in conversation with a man, although his attention seems to be focused more on her chest than her face, from what I can see. No sooner have I secured a glass of wine than I’m approached by another member of the group, who I notice is wearing a green badge.
‘Hi, I’m Brad,’ he says in a broad American accent, holding out his hand. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not coming on to you. What’s your name?’
‘Ruby,’ I say politely.
‘And whereabouts are you from, Ruby?’
‘The UK. Kent.’
‘I know Kent. I’m from California, but I live in London at the moment. I’m an expert in distribution centres, so my work takes me all over. Before London, I was in Australia for six months. Have you ever been?’
‘No, sorry.’
Brad doesn’t appear daunted by my lack of travel experience, and I gently tune him out as he begins to tell me about all the places he’s visited. After a while, I notice Sam detaching herself from the chest-staring guy and start scanning the room. When she notices me, she beams and comes straight over.
‘Ruby!’ she exclaims, cutting Brad off mid-flow. ‘I wasn’t expecting to see you until dinner, but I’m so glad you’re here.’ She takes my arm and turns to Brad. ‘I hope you’ll excuse us for a moment, Brad.’
If Brad is disappointed, he’s doing a good job of hiding it. ‘Of course. I’ll see you around, Ruby.’
I can safely say that I’ve never been more delighted to see Sam, and I happily link my arm with hers as we stroll over to an unoccupied table in the corner of the room.
11
‘What made you change your mind?’ Sam asks. ‘I thought you said wild horses wouldn’t drag you here.’
‘Yeah, but then I met Guido.’ I tell her about feeling a bit out of place at the sail away party, and Guido’s come-on. She’s reassuringly horrified.
‘He sounds like a total loser,’ she asserts when I’ve finished telling the story.
‘Yeah, I was a bit creeped out, so I decided to come and hang out here for safety. How have you been getting on?’
She lowers her voice. ‘What did you make of Brad?’
‘Not much. He seems very pleased with himself.’
‘Ugh.’ She wrinkles her nose. ‘I must have been talking to him for nearly quarter of an hour. Actually, scrap that. He was talking to me for quarter of an hour. How many questions do you think he asked me, besides my name?’
I smile. ‘Brad seems like the kind of guy who could happily monologue about himself for hours, so I’m going to guess none.’
‘Yup. God, he was dull. Anyway, then I moved on to Chris.’
‘Was he the one you were talking to just now?’
‘Yes. He did have the decency to ask a couple of questions, at least.’
‘He seemed very taken with your chest, from what I was able to see. Every time he thought you weren’t looking, he was staring at your cleavage.’
‘Yeah, I spotted that. I wanted to grab his chin, lift it up and say, “Oi, mate. My eyes are up here, on my face.” He’s not the first person to do it though, so I’m not going to hold it against him.’
‘He might like that.’
‘What?’
‘You “holding” it against him.’
‘Eeuw. Anyway, slim pickings so far, but there are plenty of other fish in this pond, so I’m still optimistic.’ She glances at my chest. ‘I thought you were going to get Barry to give you a red badge?’
I sigh. ‘I tried. Turns out red badges are only for people who’ve coupled up with someone else in the group.’
‘Really? It didn’t mention that in the handbook.’
‘Barry’s rules, apparently.’
‘Hmm. Well, I’m glad you came. Shall we go and get something to eat?’
Before we have a chance to make our escape, Barry claps his hands to try to get everyone’s attention. It takes a few goes before everyone is silent and he can make his announcement.
‘Right, lovely singles,’ he yells. ‘Hopefully you’ve started to get to know each other a little, because we’re going to up the ante tomorrow. When you’re back from your shore excursions, we’re all going to assemble in here for a game of Blind Date.’
‘Uh-oh,’ I murmur to Sam.
‘It will take the same format as the famous TV show, hosted by the peerless Dame Cilla Black,’ Barry continues. ‘How many of you know it?’
Only a couple of hands go up.
‘Dear Lord, talk about a blast from the past. Do you remember it?’ Sam says to me.
‘Yes. My parents were avid watchers back in the day.’
‘The format is simple,’ Barry explains. ‘I will be choosing one woman and one man at random from those of you with green badges. You will need to bring along three searching questions to ask your potential matches. I’ll also be picking three ladies and three gentlemen to be the potential blind dates. You’ll be behind a screen so you can’t be seen, and you’ll need to answer the questions in as romantic a fashion as you can. At the end, the person asking the questions will get to choose one of you to go on a blind date. I’ve organised for the two lucky couples to do a Godfather movie tour from Messina. You’ll be collected from the port and taken to Savoca to see the filming location for the wedding, as well as a number of other iconic locations used in the movie. I’ve even thrown in a sumptuous lunch, so it’s a prize worth winning. Before I let you go, do any of you amber badges want to change colour so you’ve got a chance of being included?’
Sam grabs my hand and tries feverishly to shove it in the air, but I’m too strong for her, thankfully. A couple of hands do go up though, and Barry delightedly hands over green badges.
‘OK, lovely people,’ he chants. ‘Enjoy your dinner, have a fabulous time in Naples tomorrow, and I’ll see you back here for our fun and games at 6 p.m. sharp. Contestants, I’ll let you know if I’ve selected you by leaving a note in the holder outside your cabin before ten tonight. Good luck, everyone!’
‘Do you think Barry is like a clown?’ Sam asks me as we start to make our way towards the main dining room. We deliberately held back until Brad had left so we could keep an eye on him and make sure we didn’t end up sitting with him.
‘How do you mean?’
‘He’s so relentlessly cheerful, like he’s on happy pills or something. Do you think he’s secretly crying inside?’
‘Maybe he just loves his job. I wonder how many couples actually come out of these things?’
‘There must be some. I mean, how many of us are there? Thirty?’
‘I’d say nearer fifty.’
‘Statistically, I’d think you’d get at least one couple out of that lot, wouldn’t you?’
By the time I woke this morning, the ship was already docked, but I’d felt beautifully refreshed after one of the best nights’ sleep I think I’ve had in ages. Sadly, the same couldn’t be said for Sam, who’d sounded distinctly groggy when I’d called her to check she was awake. Thankfully, after a shower and breakfast from the buffet, washed down with copious amounts of coffee, plus the discovery of a note from Barry informing her she’d been picked for Blind Date, she’d perked up and we’d been just in time to join the Pompeii tour. My heart had sunk a little when I’d spotted Brad on the bus, but thankfully he’d already collared some other poor victim and I’d smiled as I passed his seat and overheard him telling her that he’d lived in Rome for a year and was pretty much fluent in Italian. I don’t know whether she’s a part of our group or not, but she already looked desperate to escape him.
‘So, my questions,’ Sam says to me as we stand in the Forum gazing towards the temple of Jupiter. ‘According to the information from Barry, each one has to tell them something about my life, and then I have to ask them how they feel about it. For example, “I’m very close to my parents. What would you do to impress my mum and dad if I took you home to meet them?”’
I giggle as a memory comes to me. ‘Probably not be groping you when they walked into the sitting room.’
She claps her hand to her mouth. ‘I’d forgotten about that. That was Micky in sixth form. I don’t know who was the most embarrassed out of the four of us.’
‘I wish I’d been there.’
‘It was mortifying, especially the way he stood up and said, “Nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs Thorncroft,” with his erection clearly visible through his trousers. Dad just looked at his outstretched hand and said, “Son, if that’s been where I suspect it’s been, I have no intention of shaking it.” He never came near my house again and we broke up shortly after that.’
‘Did your parents ever say anything?’
‘Nope. What could they have said? “That boy we found with his hand in your knickers seemed absolutely charming, when are you going to invite him round properly?” I think we all just wanted to pretend it had never happened. Anyway, we’re getting off topic. What questions am I going to ask?’
We ponder the matter in silence as we pass the temple and head for the Forum baths.
