Hook line and single, p.10
Hook, Line and Single, page 10
‘We’re not talking about me.’
He sighs. ‘It’s complicated. I was in a long-term relationship that finished a couple of months ago.’
‘Ah, and you’re not over him or her.’
‘Her, and I am, or at least I think I am. It was toxic at the end, so I think we were both relieved when she called it. It’s just that we’d known each other since we were small, and the idea of starting completely from scratch with someone new seems too daunting. What if I’ve got loads of bad habits that didn’t annoy Ellie, but would drive every other woman in the world round the twist? What if we don’t click like Ellie and I did? It all terrifies me.’
‘Wouldn’t you want to meet someone though? Or do you think that’s it? Ellie was your person and now you’re destined to be single forever.’
‘I don’t want to be single forever, but I’m still fairly bruised and not about to rush into anything.’
‘Bad news for Ashleigh.’
‘There’s definitely something predatory about her,’ he says with a frown. ‘She makes me feel like a seal in one of those wildlife documentaries. I’m sitting on the ice floe hoping desperately she won’t tip me into the sea and devour me.’ He shudders.
‘So we can rule her out then.’
‘Definitely, but I have always hoped I’d meet the right person and start a family one day. It’s the “how” that I’m struggling with.’
‘I think the “how” of starting a family hasn’t changed in millennia,’ I tell him with a grin. ‘I’m sure you’ll figure it out.’
He smiles. I like his smile; it lights up his whole face. ‘I meant the “how” of meeting someone new and knowing if they’re right for me. Anyway, enough about me. What about you?’
‘I’m happy as I am,’ I tell him, trotting out my well-worn mantra. ‘I’ve had relationships in the past, but nobody’s ever lit that fire inside me that makes me want to be with them forever. Also, if the people that Sam has been dating recently are anything to go by, the quality of the men out there is pretty depressing.’
‘Do you see yourself staying single forever?’
‘I don’t know. There’s just enough Disney princess in me that the idea of falling in love appeals, but the reality has always fallen short. It would need to be someone very special, I think.’
‘A Disney prince, perhaps.’
‘God, no! They’re so annoying, aren’t they? All floppy hair, perfect noses and huge eyes. No, I’d settle for someone who was ordinary looking, as long as they had something special about them.’
‘And what would that be?’
I laugh. ‘If I knew that, I’d know what I was looking for, wouldn’t I! Anyway, it’s nearly midday, so we’d better get out there if we’re going to see this clock strut its stuff.’
I’m tired but contented when I come back to my cabin at the end of the day. Cameron proved to be the perfect companion, helped in my opinion by the fact that we’d both been clear from the outset that we didn’t have any expectations. Messina turned out to be quite hilly in places, and my calves are aching in protest as I step into the shower. When I’m done, I wrap a towel round myself and stretch out on the bed for a quick snooze. This bed really is incredibly comfortable.
I’ve barely nodded off before I’m awoken by a furious pounding on the door.
‘Ruby, are you in there?’ Sam’s voice calls.
‘Coming,’ I reply reluctantly as I lever myself off the bed.
‘I need to debrief,’ she says, sweeping through the door before it’s even fully open and forcing me to retreat down the narrow passage to the bedroom area. ‘Why aren’t you dressed?’
‘I had a shower and fell asleep.’
‘Oh. I was going to suggest going for a drink, but we’ve only got a little while before Barry’s evening entertainment.’
‘What’s on tonight?’
‘Speed dating.’
I groan. ‘Sooner you than me. Still, you’ve done it before, so I’m sure you’ll be able to pull out the necessary conversation.’
‘That’s what I need to talk to you about. I’m not sure I’m going to do it.’
‘But I thought the whole point of this was for you to do this stuff.’
‘Yes, but that was before I met Robin.’
‘Ah.’
‘He’s different,’ she enthuses. ‘More mature than the other people I’ve dated recently. I actually felt like I was with a grown-up today. It was the little things, like him pulling my chair out for me when I was sitting down and opening doors for me. Why are you laughing?’
‘You’re right. We’re at the funeral of feminism. I should be crying. Did he pay all the bills too?’ I put on a deep voice. ‘“It’s OK, darling. I’ll pay for dinner and you can pay me back in kind later.”’
‘We split the bills, actually, and he’s not like that. That’s what’s so extraordinary about him. He was genuinely interested in me as a person, rather than just a collection of female body parts.’ She lowers her voice to a whisper. ‘I’m thinking of going amber for him.’
‘Whoa!’ I hold up my hands. ‘I get that you think he’s a nice guy, but whatever happened to “plenty more fish in this pond”? Aren’t you in danger of settling for the first guy you see? There might be an even better person for you here.’
‘I want to spend more time with Robin. Apart from anything else, there’s a mystery I need to solve.’
‘Which is?’
‘His job. He won’t tell me what he does for a living and it’s not in his bio. When I asked, he just said that he’d rather not say until he knew me better, as people had a habit of judging him because of what he does.’
‘You could just Google it. I’m sure he’ll have a LinkedIn profile or something.’
‘Where’s the fun in that? Anyway, if he’s a spy, which is where my money is at the moment, there won’t be anything, will there.’
‘You think he’s a spy?’ I ask slowly.
‘It’s got to be something like that, hasn’t it? Otherwise why the secrecy?’
‘I’m pretty sure spies have cover stories. That’s the whole spy schtick. He’d tell you he was a cultural attaché or something.’
‘Hmm. Maybe you’re right. Anyway, I’m determined to get it out of him. I’m going to find him at the singles thing and talk to him about going amber together.’
‘Why stop at amber? You could go the whole hog and go red.’
‘After one date? Even I’m not that impetuous. Anyway, I wondered how you’d feel if I spent the day with him again tomorrow. I know it’s not what we agreed, but…’ She tails off, her eyes full of hope.
‘It’s fine,’ I tell her. ‘Don’t worry about me.’
‘Thanks. You’re the best.’ She gives me a quick hug before making for the door. ‘I’m just going to freshen up before we go to the singles thing. I’ll bang on your door in ten, OK?’
It’s only when she’s gone that I realise she didn’t ask anything about my day. Maybe that’s for the best; I don’t want her trying to matchmake Cameron and me. We’re just friends.
13
‘All right, lovely singles,’ Barry yells over the hubbub of conversation in the Nautilus lounge. ‘I’m sure we’re all desperate to find out how our Blind Date couples got on before we get into tonight’s event. Where are Brad and Gail? Come out, don’t be shy.’
Brad steps forward confidently, dragging a somewhat reluctant-looking Gail by the hand.
‘There you are,’ Barry cries ecstatically as if he hasn’t seen them for years. ‘So, Brad, tell us about your date.’
‘We’ve had the best day,’ Brad says. ‘I feel such a connection to Sicily, having spent a considerable amount of time in Rome before. We really enjoyed seeing some of the locations from the iconic Godfather movie, and I was able to impress Gail with my grasp of Italian over lunch.’
‘She doesn’t look that impressed to me,’ a familiar voice says in my ear, and I smile as I turn to Cameron. On my other side, Sam is thankfully oblivious, as her attention is completely focused on Robin.
‘She doesn’t, does she,’ I reply quietly. ‘Look at the vice-like grip he’s got on her hand. Probably the only way to stop her escaping.’
‘And what about you, Gail? Did you have a good day?’ Barry asks.
‘Not really,’ she says, flashing a contemptuous look at Brad and forcibly removing her hand from his.
‘Oh dear. Have you got any advice for Brad in his next encounter?’
‘Yes. Talk about yourself less, and maybe find out a bit about the other person. If you’d bothered to do that, you’d have learned that I’m actually fluent in Italian myself and there’s more to the language than just sticking random vowels onto the ends of English words.’
‘Ouch, that’s got to hurt,’ I murmur to Cameron. ‘Calling out his linguistic ability in front of everyone.’
‘Mmm. It seems our Brad may not be such a cunning linguist as he thinks.’
‘I see what you did there, dirty boy.’
‘Sorry. It was too good a joke to resist.’
‘I’m really not sure it was.’
‘So,’ Barry asks, adopting a wistful expression. ‘It seems like love didn’t blossom on this occasion. Brad, is there anything you’d like to say to Gail?’
‘Yeah. I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time, Gail. I think you’re an amazing lady, and I wish you all the best, genuinely.’
Her expression softens. ‘You’re not a bad man either, Brad. Just work on the feedback I’ve given, will you? You’re enough as you are; you don’t need the bullshit to make yourself look better.’
‘OK. Let’s hope you guys have better luck on the speed dating tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give Brad and Gail a round of applause!’
As the clapping dies down, Barry starts scanning the room again. ‘Where are you, Sam and Robin?’ he calls. I nudge Sam and she and Robin step forward.
‘And how about you?’ Barry asks. ‘Did things go well?’
‘Superbly, thank you, Barry,’ Sam enthuses. ‘Robin and I had the best day. We really enjoyed the locations and the lunch, but most of all we enjoyed just getting to know each other, didn’t we?’
‘Sam’s very easy to talk to,’ Robin agrees. ‘In fact, if neither of us meets another match at tonight’s speed dating, I’d be happy to spend the day with her again tomorrow.’
If Sam’s disappointed that Robin isn’t showing the same commitment that she was expressing to me earlier, she hides it well.
‘Which brings us neatly on to tonight’s event,’ Barry tells us all delightedly. ‘The rules are simple. Ladies, you’ll be sitting on the chairs I’ve laid out around the edge of the room. Gents, you’ll be sitting in the chairs facing the ladies. You’ll have three minutes to find out as much as you can about each other before I ring the bell and you have to move on. I’ll give each of you a piece of paper on which you should write your own name at the top, and the names of anyone you’d like to spend the day getting to know better tomorrow underneath. If one of the people on your list has also written your name, I’ll pair you up and let you know via a note outside your cabin before ten tonight. One lucky couple will also win Barry’s Bonanza, which is a private guided tour of Malta with lunch thrown in, so it’s all to play for. Before we start, do any of the amber badges want to join in?’
‘You should totally do this one,’ I say to Cameron.
‘What on earth makes you think that?’ he asks incredulously.
‘I know you’re not looking for a relationship, but it’s good practice for talking to women.’
‘Do I have a problem talking to women?’
‘You know what I mean. Go on. You don’t have to write anyone down.’
He looks at me for a moment before raising his hand. ‘Barry, Ruby and I would like to take part, please.’
I stare at him. ‘What? I never agreed to that.’
‘If I’m doing it, you’re doing it too,’ he says with a mischievous grin as Barry happily thrusts name badges, pencils and pieces of paper into our hands. ‘I’ll see you on the other side.’
I must be losing my touch, I think, as I reluctantly allow myself to be guided to a chair. Not only did Sam hoodwink me onto this cruise, but Cameron just outmanoeuvred me as well. I meet Sam’s eye across the room and have to stifle a laugh. Speed dating may be my idea of hell, but it’s almost worth it to see the look on her face.
My first date is Euan, and his accent immediately identifies him as the phantom pussy stroker from the Blind Date evening.
‘Oh, God. I’m so embarrassed,’ he confesses when I call him out on it. ‘I blame bloody Barry. He told us to be a bit suggestive in our replies, and I was so nervous I opened my mouth and went way too far. I’m not like that in real life, honestly.’
‘I think it’s only fair to tell you that Sam, whose pussy you offered to stroke, is my flatmate, so you were technically offering to stroke my pussy too,’ I tell him, trying not to giggle as he goes absolutely puce. ‘You’ll forgive me if I don’t take you up on it.’
‘I’m never going to live this down, am I?’ Although crimson with embarrassment, he does at least smile.
‘Probably not while you’re on the cruise, no. Anyway, what do you do for a living, Euan?’
He’s palpably relieved at the change of subject. ‘I’m the manager of a supermarket in my hometown of Aberystwyth. What about you?’
Ten points for asking me a question, Euan, I think to myself. ‘It seems we share a love of the seaside and retail,’ I tell him with a smile. ‘I’m the co-owner of a bookshop in Margate.’
In fact, Euan turns out to be quite easy to chat to and not at all smutty, and it feels like we’re just getting going when the bell rings. If I’m disappointed at his departure, that’s nothing compared to the sinking feeling in my gut as his place is taken by Brad.
‘How’s it going, Brad?’ I ask wearily.
‘I’ve been better, Ruby,’ he says honestly. ‘Tell me. I know we didn’t talk for long the other night, but was that stuff Gail said about me true?’
I study him for a moment. His cockiness is gone and he looks more like a little boy who’s lost his favourite toy.
‘I can’t speak for your Italian, as I haven’t heard it,’ I tell him as gently as I can. ‘But you did talk about yourself a lot and I don’t think you asked me any questions.’
‘I guess I do that when I’m trying to make a good impression,’ he admits. ‘I’m terrified of awkward silences, so I just talk to fill them.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to avoid awkward silences, Brad, but you can fill them by asking questions about the other person. Try it on me.’
‘OK, umm, I know where you live so I can’t ask you that again.’
‘No, but you could ask about my work, or what I like to do with my spare time. Make me feel like I’m the most interesting person you’ve ever met. You could throw in relevant information while you’re doing that, but the trick is to keep it short. If I’m interested in you, I’m going to ask you questions and that’ll be your opportunity to talk about yourself. Do you see?’
He looks uncertain. ‘I guess so.’
The bell rings before we have a chance to go any further. ‘Try it out on the next person,’ I encourage him. ‘Let me know how you get on.’
‘The next person is Gail, so I don’t think it’s going to go well.’
‘Did you really like her?’
He sighs. ‘I did.’
‘Then think of it as an opportunity to redeem yourself.’
The next few speed dates pass in a bit of a blur and it quickly becomes clear that we’re not going to get round everyone before dinner, but I’m very aware that Sam’s Robin is getting closer. I wouldn’t mind the opportunity to interrogate him for three minutes, so I’m relieved when he takes his place in front of me just as Barry calls that this is to be the last date this evening.
‘You’re Sam’s flatmate,’ he observes as he sits down and reads my name badge. ‘Nice to meet you, I’m Robin.’
Across the room, I can feel Sam’s eyes boring into me, but I ignore her.
‘And what do you make of Sam?’ I ask him.
He smiles. ‘She’s a fascinating woman. We had a really interesting day together and it felt like we didn’t stop talking the whole time.’
‘So why not snap her up and spare yourself the speed dating?’
‘I didn’t want to be pushy. I like her a lot but, if I’m honest, I think she’s a bit out of my league.’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘She’s a big personality, and I worry she might find me a bit boring after a while.’
‘Look,’ I tell him firmly. ‘I love Sam to bits, of course I do, but I’ll let you in to a little secret. Her recent dating history is fairly disastrous so you’re not exactly up against strong competition.’
He smiles again. ‘I know. She was pretty open about it.’
‘If I may be so bold, I think you’re asking the wrong question here. It’s not about whether you’re boring or not, although I don’t think you can be that dull if the two of you were talking all day. It’s more about whether you’re a jerk and, based on what I’ve seen of you so far, you’re not. She really likes you, although what’s all the secrecy about your job? She’s convinced herself you’re a spy because you won’t talk about it.’
He laughs. ‘I can assure you I’m not a spy.’
‘So why the secrecy?’
‘It’s complicated. I will tell her when the time is right, I promise. It’s just that I want her to get to know me as Robin, and my job kind of gets in the way of that.’
‘Fine. I’m not going to press you. All I will say is that Sam clearly thinks a lot of you, to the point that she was willing to change to an amber badge for you. Be gentle with her, OK?’
‘I will,’ he promises. ‘And thank you.’
As soon as the speed dating is over, Sam and Robin come together as if drawn by an invisible magnet, and I realise that my dating advice probably means I’m on my own for dinner, as well as the whole day tomorrow. I could see what Cameron is up to, I suppose, but I don’t want to give him the wrong impression by spending too much time with him. That decision is taken away from me, however, as he comes to find me before we make our way to the dining room.
