Hook line and single, p.18
Hook, Line and Single, page 18
‘Hey, guys, great to see you back!’ The American accent is familiar, and I look up to see Brad and Gail coming over from the bar. ‘You gave us all quite the fright. Barry will be particularly pleased to see you. I don’t think he’s ever lost a couple before, and he hasn’t really known what to do with himself.’
‘Barry’s going to have to wait in line,’ Sam tells him. ‘Cameron, is it OK if I borrow Ruby for a while?’
‘Umm, I don’t think you need my permission, Sam. It’s up to Ruby.’
I’m torn. On one hand, I’d quite like to stay here with Cameron, who’s frankly been a much better friend to me on this cruise than Sam has. I’m sure Brad and Gail are going to want a blow-by-blow account as well, and part of me feels it would be a lot easier if we stuck together during this phase, so we can limit the number of times we have to tell the story. On the other hand, I can tell I’m not going to get any peace until I’ve given Sam what she wants.
‘Will you be OK?’ I ask Cameron.
‘I’ll be fine,’ he says with a laugh. ‘Go.’
Sam doesn’t need telling twice and practically drags me to my cabin, closing the door firmly behind us.
‘Start from the beginning and don’t leave out a single detail,’ she commands.
She listens open mouthed as I tell her about my phone being stolen and Cameron using his police ID to jump the queue at the police station.
‘Don’t you think that’s a little suss?’ she asks when I explain how Alejandro got my phone back. ‘I mean, if this guy is in the habit of stealing from tourists, he should be in jail, shouldn’t he? Sounds like this Alejandro guy is in cahoots.’
‘I don’t think so,’ I tell her. ‘What’s in it for him, for starters? He seemed genuinely concerned for the welfare of the boy and his mother. Anyway, he couldn’t do enough for us, even insisting we stayed the night with him and his family.’
Sam looks horrified. ‘I’m sorry. You’ve only known this guy for five minutes and you stayed the night with him? He could have been a kidnapper!’
‘Again, unlikely. One, he was the chief of police—’
‘That could have been a fake. I’m still not ruling out him being in cahoots with the phone thieves.’
‘Hard to pull off, given that we literally met him in his office, in the police station, and all the other people there seemed to know who he was. And two, before you interrupted, what would he gain by kidnapping us? We’re hardly ransom material.’
‘Hmm. OK, maybe he’s legit. I still think it’s risky though. Didn’t your mother ever warn you about going off with strangers?’
‘Referring you back to the part where he’s the chief of police. Anyway, we met his wife and children, had a lovely meal and then stayed in their spare room. She took us to the airport the next morning. They were all really nice, actually. You wouldn’t get hospitality like that in England. It was quite shaming in a way.’
‘Whoa, back up.’
I sigh. ‘What now? Are you going to suggest that Gabriela, his wife, was also some kind of master criminal? I know, maybe she was smuggling drugs in her baby’s nappy. Or she was going to use us as drug mules, before she realised that we didn’t have any luggage to conceal the gear in. Or, just possibly, she was also a nice person who took pity on a couple of strangers like her husband did.’
Sam flaps her hand dismissively. ‘No, I’m sure she was lovely. I’m more interested in the spare room.’
‘Why? It was perfectly ordinary.’
‘And you both slept in there? I take it he was on a couch, or the floor or something.’
‘No. We shared the bed. We are grown-ups.’
‘You shared a bed. With Cameron,’ she repeats slowly.
‘Nothing happened.’ I’ve decided not to tell her about erection-gate.
‘Mm-hm. It’s still a big thing. When was the last time you shared a bed with a guy?’
‘Move on, Sam. There’s nothing to see here.’
‘Fine. So you platonically shared a bed with Cameron and then this lovely lady, who isn’t a criminal and definitely didn’t want to use the two of you as drugs mules, drove you to the airport. Then what?’
‘Then we flew to Nice and got a taxi to Cannes, just in time to see the ship leaving without us for the second time.’
‘Didn’t you get my message?’
‘Yes, but we were already on our way, so it made sense to continue to the port and see if anything could be done.’
‘And did you pick up any random strangers to spend the night with?’
‘We did meet some people, but we stayed in a hotel.’
‘Separate rooms or same room?’
‘You’re getting a bit one-tracked here, Sam. Same room, if you must know. It was cheaper.’
‘And the people you met?’
I bite my lip. Do I tell her about the nudist beach or not? At the time, I was certain I was going to tell her, because it’s the last thing she’d have thought me capable of and I wanted to see her face. Now, with her trying to tease out a sexualised interpretation of my every move, I’m not so sure. And we haven’t even got to the aftersun lotion story yet, which I would actually appreciate her view on. After hesitating for a moment, I decide to take the plunge and fill her in. To my delight, the expression on her face makes it completely worth it.
‘No!’ she exclaims when I’ve told her all about meeting Philippe and Claudine, and my skinny dip in the sea.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask as she begins rummaging through the pillows on the bed.
‘I’m looking for my friend Ruby. It’s clear that you’re some kind of impostor.’
‘Knock it off,’ I say, laughing.
‘Seriously, though. Skinny dipping? Prancing round in the nude with people you’ve only just met?’
‘I can assure you there wasn’t any prancing. We had a swim, we sat and chatted, and we got horribly sunburned.’ I pull down my top a little to show her.
‘Ouch.’
‘Yeah.’ I steel myself and prepare to tell her the bit of the story that I know is going to send her off the deep end. ‘And this is where things got a bit weird. I’d value your opinion, actually.’
I can see her mentally shifting gear into serious mode. ‘OK. I’m listening,’ she says.
‘So, like I said, we got burned.’
‘Yes, I can see that.’
‘When we got back to the hotel, we doused ourselves with aftersun lotion.’
‘Sensible. I’d have done the same.’
‘I offered to do Cameron’s back, so he lay face down on the bed and I started rubbing the ointment into him. I, umm…’
‘Yes?’
‘I liked it. Rubbing the ointment.’
She narrows her eyes. ‘Did you like it, or did you like it?’
‘I liked it. And then, when he started rubbing the ointment into me… Dear God.’
‘You liked that too.’
‘It was all I could do not to raise my hips off the bed and offer myself to him.’
‘So why didn’t you?’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘You were obviously feeling it, and I’m going to hazard a guess and say he was too. Why not go with the flow?’
‘You have no idea how tempting that idea was in the moment, but I had just enough presence of mind to realise that it would have complicated everything massively.’
‘Not necessarily. As long as you were both clear that it was a one-night stand, no harm would have been done.’
‘I can see that, but I’m not a one-night stand person, Sam, and I’m pretty sure Cameron isn’t either.’
‘He’s a man, and there’s one thing all men have in common. When they get an erection, all the blood from their brain is redirected to their penis. They completely lose the power of rational thought.’
‘All the more reason not to get carried away. Thinking of which, how’s Robin?’
‘He’s OK. Stop trying to change the subject. What are you going to do about this thing between you and Cameron?’
‘I’m not sure I’d call it a thing, and I’m certainly not going to do anything about it. He’s a friend, no more.’
‘Do you fancy him?’
‘He’s good looking.’
‘That’s not what I asked. I’ve fancied men who looked like the inside of a bin in my time. The two things don’t necessarily correlate.’
‘Fine. I fancy him, but I’m still not going to do anything about it.’
She studies me for what feels like an age, and I can feel the heat spreading across my chest and up my neck as she gazes at me.
‘OK,’ she says eventually. ‘I don’t get it, but it’s your choice.’
‘That’s it? No shining a light in my face and acting like the Spanish Inquisition?’
‘I know you, remember? I’ve pushed as far as I can and I can see you’re shutting down.’
I sigh with relief. ‘Tell me about Robin.’ Although I wanted her opinion, she hasn’t said the things I wanted to hear, so distracting her will hopefully get me off the hook.
‘What do you want to know? We’re in a good place. He’s invited me to stay for the weekend at the end of the month.’
Now it’s my turn to let my jaw drop. ‘So you’re taking it into the real world? What about him being a vicar?’
‘It’s not ideal, but I get why he didn’t tell me to begin with. If I’d known he was a vicar from the outset, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him, and I’d have missed out on getting to know what a wonderful, funny and kind person he is. The vicar thing is just something we have to work around.’
‘What about the whole “no sex before marriage” gig? How are you going to cope with that?’
She smiles. ‘Without going into too much detail, it turns out there’s quite a lot you can do without actually having sex. It’s surprisingly fulfilling. I don’t think either of us feels short changed at the moment.’ She lowers her voice. ‘Truth be told, I’ve had more orgasms with Robin in the last couple of days than I’ve had with anyone before.’
‘Is that allowed?’
‘It’s probably not strictly in the spirit of the law, but no penetration is taking place. Well, not with a penis, anyway.’
‘What if you get carried away?’
‘Robin’s very matter-of-fact about that. His view is that he’d prefer us not to have actual sex before we get married, but he’s also honest about the fact that he’s a man and not a virgin. He had girlfriends before he felt the call to ordination, so this isn’t his first rodeo. We’ve agreed to take joint responsibility to try not to let it happen, but not to beat ourselves up if it does.’
‘Wait. You’re talking about marriage already?’
She laughs. ‘Only as a construct. Don’t worry, I haven’t hurled myself off the deep end just yet. Anyway, the good news for you is that I’ve blown him out for tomorrow so I can spend the day with you, just the two of us, like we were supposed to before I turned into a selfish cow.’
‘You’re not a selfish cow. You just fall hard when you fall.’
She smiles. ‘Thank you, but I think this holiday has shown me that I kind of am. However, I’m resolved to do better, so where shall we go? What does it say in your little book of plans?’
I smile at her, but the truth is that I’m conflicted. I was expecting to spend the day with Cameron tomorrow, but I’m not sure how to tell her that without sounding ungrateful. Turning down Robin would have been a big thing for her.
‘What?’ she asks, frowning.
‘Sorry?’
‘Something’s off. Are you still mad at me?’
‘Not at all. It’s just…’
Her face clears. ‘You want to spend the day with Cameron, the guy you’re secretly desperate to hump but are determined to be just friends with.’
‘Do you mind?’
She laughs. ‘Not at all. Can I make one request though?’
‘Of course.’ At the moment, I’d happily give her anything for being so understanding.
‘Can Robin and I tag along?’
‘Hmm. Can I interrogate him about his intentions towards my best friend?’
‘If you must.’
I grin. ‘Then you’d be most welcome.’
24
Brad wasn’t wrong; you’d think we were risen from the dead, the way Barry carried on when Cameron and I strolled into the Nautilus lounge last night. Thankfully, he was distracted by two more couples taking advantage of the fact that it was the penultimate night of the cruise to swap their badges for red ones.
‘I love each and every one of you so much,’ Barry had gushed. ‘I’ve never had so many new couples on a cruise. I expect invitations to all your weddings, do you understand? My contact details are in your packs.’
Sam, Robin, Cameron and I had grabbed a table together for dinner and, after a certain amount of negotiation, we agreed that we’d join the organised tour to Pisa today. I was a little disappointed to begin with because I was looking forward to seeing Florence and visiting the Uffizi gallery. Although Sam and Robin had said they were quite happy to spend another day in Florence, it seemed a waste of their time, and the fact that the Uffizi was sold out when I checked online sealed the deal.
‘Did you know it’s not just the tower that’s leaning in Pisa?’ Sam asks, her nose in a guidebook as the bus makes its way towards the city. ‘According to this, both the cathedral and the baptistery are also sinking.’
‘What’s a baptistery?’ I ask.
‘They generally date from the early church, when lots of adults wanted to be baptised into the rapidly growing Christian faith,’ Robin explains. ‘You’d often have an area where people would make their vows, before being led into the central chamber where they’d undergo full immersion baptism. Sometimes, baptisteries would be incorporated in the main church building, but they were often separate structures, like the one in Pisa.’
‘Who needs a guidebook when I have you?’ Sam remarks.
‘It is kind of my area of expertise,’ Robin replies with a smile.
‘Of course it is.’ She pats his knee and leans across to give him a kiss. Normally, a public display of affection like this would make me slightly uncomfortable, but they seem totally at ease with each other, and she’s not simpering in the irritating way she was the last time we saw them together. I have tried to imagine him wearing a clerical shirt and a dog collar, but I can’t see it.
‘Are you OK to chat to Sam for a bit today?’ I ask Cameron quietly. ‘I think things between her and Robin might be getting serious, so I’d quite like to find out a bit more about him.’
‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ He looks dubious. ‘She might not thank you if she thinks you’re sticking your nose in.’
I smile. ‘Let’s put that to the test, shall we?’ I turn to Sam. ‘Sam, you don’t mind if I steal Robin for a chat, do you?’
‘Knock yourself out,’ she replies. ‘Of course, that means I’ll have to entertain Cameron. How do you feel about that?’
‘I have no secrets,’ I tell her before turning to Cameron and whispering, ‘Don’t tell her anything.’
‘I’m not sure there’s much to tell that she doesn’t know already,’ he murmurs back.
‘Just be careful, that’s all. Sam’s a Rottweiler if she thinks there’s hidden information.’
He laughs. ‘Oh, and you’re a pussy cat, I suppose. Robin’s not about to be grilled to within an inch of his life at all.’
‘I just want to check he’s on the same page as Sam, that’s all.’
To his credit, Robin seems completely relaxed as I fall into step next to him. Sam and Cameron are ahead of us and, from what I can see, their conversation is flowing naturally. I’m slightly anxious, knowing that they’re probably talking about me, but I make a conscious effort to focus on Robin.
‘It sounds like you and Sam are serious about each other,’ I begin.
‘I hope so,’ he replies. ‘I’ll confess that I didn’t have particularly high hopes of meeting a match when I was persuaded to sign up for the cruise, but she and I just seemed to click from the start.’
‘You know she’s not churchy though, don’t you? How do you see that working out?’
He smiles. ‘That’s one of the things I like most about her. You probably think I should be on the lookout for a clichéd vicar’s wife, don’t you? Someone a bit blousy, who’s an expert baker and feels her ministry is serving cups of coffee and running kids’ clubs.’
‘That does seem a more natural fit,’ I admit.
‘Don’t get me wrong,’ he continues. ‘Many of my colleagues are married to people exactly like that, and they’re lovely, but I’d feel stifled. Being a vicar is intense; it’s not like your average nine-to-five job.’
‘Don’t you only work on Sundays?’
He laughs. ‘I wish. It’s a six-day-a-week job and, if some of my parishioners had their way, I wouldn’t get a day off at all. I’ve got three parishes, which means three of every type of meeting on top of all the pastoral visiting and occasional offices.’
‘Occasional offices?’
‘Sorry, church speak. Weddings, baptisms, funerals. Any service that falls outside the regular schedule, basically. The point is that it’s full-on.’
‘OK, but surely a churchy wife would be an asset in that scenario? I’m not marrying you and Sam off, don’t worry. I’m just pursuing this to its logical conclusion.’
‘I get where you’re coming from, but if my wife was churchy as well, we’d be at risk of the church dominating every aspect of our lives. The last thing I want is to spend my precious downtime talking about the latest scandal in the flower arranging group, or whatever.’
‘Sam’s not a bad flower arranger.’
‘Yes, but she also has what I would describe as a healthy fuck-offness to her. She doesn’t stand for any shit, and that’s incredibly attractive. Let me give you a scenario, and you can tell me how Sam would react.’
‘OK.’
‘I come home from a meeting of the church leadership team. Someone’s made an anonymous complaint about something I’ve said in a sermon.’
‘Does that happen?’
‘Oh, yes. Anonymous complaints are a church speciality. So a traditional wife would probably trot out something Biblical about turning the other cheek. What do you think Sam would say?’
