Gravity, p.5
Gravity, page 5
“No,” Jax shook his head, “why would I?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Jax, maybe because you are dating, because you cheated on her,” Cassidy huffed. At this, Jax broke into a laugh, no wonder Cassidy had been so keen to avoid his gaze in the chemist.
“There seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding here, Cassidy. I’m not dating Carmen, I never have, she’s my best mate’s girl, we’re friends, that’s all.”
“Oh.” Cassidy nodded.
“Oh indeed,” Jax agreed. So, Cassidy had thought he had cheated on someone else, with her. She must really have such a low opinion of him now. Still, on the plus side, she had thought about him, and had acted almost jealous. Huh, maybe she didn’t hate him quite as much as she pretended to?
“I get up pretty early,” Cassidy spoke suddenly.
“Okay.” Jax nodded.
“I mean, really early, Jax,” Cassidy emphasised.
“I understand,” Jax smiled.
“If you were to get here by, say, five o’clock tomorrow morning, you could wait while I do the test.”
“Thank you.”
“It’s fine,” she stated simply. Jax had the feeling that she would say that regardless of if it was true or not. Jax was conflicted. He had the strange urge to stay, not for his own needs, but for Cassidy, to just simply sit in silence and provide companionship. He knew she wouldn’t welcome that though, least of all from him, so instead, he stood reluctantly, and took his leave, heading back to the room he was currently occupying at his friend’s house, to spend the rest of the day sitting on the edge of his bed, thinking.
CHAPTER EIGHT - CASSIDY
True to her word, the following day Cassidy was up bright and early, in fact, by the time that Jax arrived at her house, she had already been up for several hours.
Cassidy opened the front door, then stood back and waited for Jax to enter. Apart from picking her up and dropping her off to go to the festival, and then his visit yesterday, Jax had never been to Cassidy's house, and she found herself oddly self-conscious.
“Hi, come in, sit anywhere,” she waved her arm around the general direction of the lounge room. “I’ll just, um, you know, go do the test,” she stuttered awkwardly as Jax sat down, nodding at her. Cassidy had been doing nothing all morning except drinking glasses full of water, and she was more than ready to administer the test. She followed the directions carefully, the very last thing she wanted was to get a false result, in any direction, and then sat the test on the window ledge. Cassidy took her time washing her hands, hoping to use up as much of the two minutes required for the test result to show as possible, trying not to let her nerves get the better of her.
Eventually, Cassidy turned the bathroom tap off and sat on the edge of the bathtub, to wait for the rest of the time to pass. When the alarm on Cassidy's phone finally went off, alerting her to the fact that the test was ready to be read, she jumped up, both desperate to see the result and actually terrified. She wiped her shaking hands on the side of her pants before shakily picking up the pregnancy test. With a deep breath, she looked down at the test, her heart sinking. The test was positive, Cassidy was pregnant. She let out a breath she didn't realise she had been holding and sat back down on the side of the bathtub. There was a coldness slowly seeping through Cassidy's body, as she blinked furiously, desperate not to cry. She was pregnant, right there in black and white, pregnant. Her, Cassidy, was going to be a mother. What on earth was she going to do? She had never imagined ever having children, it was just something that she had never considered, she never thought it would happen to her, and she wasn't sure that she wanted it to happen to her.
Cassidy knew that she was the last person in the world who should be having a child, especially a child out of wedlock when there wasn't even a man in the picture. Sure, Jax might be in the lounge room right now waiting for her to find out if she was pregnant or not, but she knew how it was. As soon as she told him that she was pregnant, she knew he would go, he would leave, and go back to his normal life and not give her or the baby another thought. Not that that was wrong exactly, especially as this wasn't a planned event, and it wasn't at all surprising to Cassidy, if she was him, she would probably do the same thing. She couldn't be a mum; Cassidy didn’t know the first thing about being a mum. None of her friends were mothers, as for her own mother, her biological mother, she had been the worst kind of person. Cassidy had been tormented and neglected her entire life at the hands of her mother, and her father hadn't been any better. The only thing they had ever taught her was that you couldn't trust people, that people always hurt you. That, and the fact that nobody would ever love anybody like Cassidy. That had been her mother's favourite catchphrase.
A number of times every day, no matter what Cassidy did, her mother would always reply by telling her that nobody was ever going to want somebody like her, or that no one could ever love somebody like her. Soon, it had become ingrained in Cassidy. By the time she was a teenager, Cassidy knew she was broken inside, the years of neglect and abuse having taken their toll. She had genuinely believed that nobody would ever be able to fix her, or would ever be able to make things right, or would ever be able to make her whole again. So, she did the only thing that she knew how to do in order to survive, she packed all of her dreams away deep into the darkest depths of her soul and she never spoke of them ever again. Finding somebody to love her, somebody that she could love back, finding somebody to have a family with, a life with, a future that was built on friendship and loyalty and trust and mutual respect, had been her dearest dream when she was younger. It had been years and years since Cassidy had even considered allowing herself to think those things. What a cruel twist of fate that she should now find herself pregnant, and to Jax no less, the one man that she had crushed on for years, the one man that she had built up in her head to be this amazing, compassionate, light-filled, trustworthy, amazing man.
Of course, her mother was right, he didn't want her, and he sure as heck wouldn't want this baby when he knew it existed. Cassidy momentarily thought about lying to him by telling him that she wasn’t pregnant, but she knew that she couldn’t do that. She wasn't sure what she was going to do yet, but she did know that whatever she decided she would tell Jax, because it was the right thing to do, even if he never wanted to see her again, even if he never wanted anything to do with the baby, it was still the right thing to do, he was still the baby's biological father, and he still had the right to know he or she existed. No matter how much it hurt Cassidy. Cassidy left the pregnancy test on the bathroom sink and returned to the lounge room, Jax jumping up as soon as he saw her enter the room.
“Cassidy?” He asked. She watched as he swallowed rapidly, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.
“The test was positive,” she choked out, “I'm pregnant.” With that, Cassidy promptly burst into tears.
CHAPTER NINE - JAX
“You're pregnant,” Jax scratched out through a dry throat. Cassidy didn't answer, she couldn't answer, she merely nodded through her tears. The blood pounded in Jax's ears, his insides were in turmoil, he wanted to scream, to swear, to rage, although he knew there was no reason for that, as essentially the blame was entirely his, he should have been more careful. He looked at Cassidy before him, tears streaking down her face, she looked like a wretched mess. He could only imagine what she must be thinking and feeling right now. Panic and uncertainty welled up inside of him, he wished he could run, flee, go anywhere but here. Jax had never been in this situation before, heck even though he came from a large family, none of his immediate friends had children yet. He would be the first, he would be the one setting the example for others, for his friends, and ultimately, for his child. Jax had no idea what he could possibly say to Cassidy in order to make the situation any better, so he did the only thing he could think, he crossed the room and pulled her into his arms, holding her close against his chest while she cried, only releasing her once her sobs had subsided into hiccups.
“Do you feel up to talking about this, Cassidy?” He asked as she sat on the couch beside him.
“I don't know,” she chewed her lip nervously, not meeting his eyes. “I mean, I'll understand if you want to leave, Jax, I know this was never part of the plan, and it's certainly not something that we ever expected to occur.”
“I'm not going anywhere, Cassidy. I know that this wasn't planned, I don’t know how you feel about it, or how I even feel about it right now, that is something that we can talk about later if you'd like to, but just so you know, I'm not going anywhere, okay? We are in this together.”
“It’s okay, Jax, you know I won't blame you if you go,” Cassidy replied in a small voice. He wondered what had happened in her life to make her so certain that he was planning on leaving.
“Cassidy, I'm not going anywhere, all right? I don't know what happened in your past to make you so distrustful, but I'm staying,” Jax’s tone brokered no argument.
“Do you think I should keep the baby?”
“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully, “I think that we should talk about all of the options, but ultimately, it's your body, it's your choice, and I will support you in whatever you decide, Cassidy.”
“I don't...I mean...I never thought about being a mother, it was never something that I planned for my life, I just never really thought about it one way or the other.”
“I understand,” Jax nodded, “I never imagined I would be a father either, I mean, you know my lifestyle, it's not exactly conducive to raising a family.”
“I don't know what to do.”
“Well, look Cassidy, we don't have to have all of the answers today, do we? I just...I know...I know that I hurt you when I blew you off in Brisbane, and I'm sorry about that. If I could go back and change things, I would, but I can't. I just want you to know that it was not anything you had done, okay, it was completely me. I just screw up everything that I ever try to do, I just...I want to do the right thing, but I always end up stuffing it up. I just thought that it would be easier with you if I simply stopped returning your calls, I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, that was why I stopped returning your calls, to save you from the trainwreck that is my life.”
“I didn't have the best childhood, Jax, I'm not sure that I know how to be a mother, I don't know if emotionally I can be there for a child, I don't know if I could love a child.” Her confession was stilted, it was obvious that it pained her to have to admit it.
“Well,” Jax said, “let's talk about it. The way I see it, Cassidy, we have three options. Option one, we terminate the pregnancy, option two, we proceed with the pregnancy and put the child up for adoption, or, option three, we proceed with the pregnancy and we raise the child, together.”
“I don't think that I could carry a baby, deliver the baby, and then put it up for adoption, Jax, I just don't think I could do that.”
“Well, there you go, see, we’ve already ruled that option out, so now we only have two left.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“Sorry, Cassidy, I'm just I'm trying to make it easier for you, for us.”
“I think I'm going to need a few days to decide, Jax, I think I want to go and sleep right now.”
“I understand, it's been a shock, for both of us. Is there anything I do, anything I can get for you?”
“Jax,” Cassidy looked at him. “Were you serious when you said that you would stay, that we would do this together?”
“Of course, I was serious, you have my word.” Jax took his leave soon after, assuring Cassidy that should she need anything all she had to do was call him. He didn't want to return to his friend's house just yet, instead, he decided to drive around Alice Springs for a while, to try clear his head, to think things through. He didn’t know where he stood, or how he felt at the moment. He just could not imagine being a father, but then he supposed that most men felt that way when they first discovered that there were going to be fathers. Jax had had a wonderful father, truly his best friend. After his death, his mother had remarried, and his stepfather was equally as wonderful, happily taking Jax and his brother and continuing to do all of the activities that he had enjoyed with his father.
His stepfather had never tried to take his father's place, had never tried to supersede him in Jax's affections. He had simply stood in and become Jax's friend. Jax hadn’t wanted for role models, his brother was a father twice over, a wonderful, wonderful father. Jax wasn't concerned about if he could do it, he just wasn't sure he wanted to do it. One thing Jax knew for sure was that he wanted to find out where he stood before he went back and spoke to Cassidy again. If he decided that he did not want to be a father, and she decided to keep this child, he wanted to be able to be honest with her about how that would look. There was only one person that Jax trusted enough to give him advice in this matter, and that was his brother, Kyle. Jax pulled his car off to the side of the road and dialled his brother's number, Kyle answering on the third ring.
“Hello. Amy, no, your brother does not want any sultanas, sheesh, honestly, you turn your back for two seconds and suddenly there is a handful of sultanas stuffed in Max's mouth!” Max was Kyle’s six-month-old son, a brother to three-year-old Amy, who doted on him.
“Is this a bad time?” Jax asked.
“No, no, it's fine,” his brother insisted, “to what do I owe the call?”
“I kinda got myself into a situation here, and I would like some advice.”
“Oh, that sounds mysterious,” his brother teased.
“There is this is girl,” Jax started.
“Urgh, honestly Jax!” His brother interrupted him.
“No, hear me out,” Jax continued, “she's pregnant.”
“And let me guess, you're the father?”
“Of course, I’m the father, if I wasn’t the father, I wouldn’t be asking for advice now, would I?”
“So, then, what do you plan to do about it?”
“I don't know, that's why I was calling you, for advice,” Jack said sarcastically, completely exasperated by Kyle.
“I'm not going to tell you what you should do, that’s not my place, but I will say this, you need to think about this, and you need to be certain, because let me tell you, once a baby comes along, everything changes, and if you're in its life to start with, and then you're not, that's unforgivable.”
“I know, I just...” he trailed off.
“Let me ask you this, do you love her?”
“I don't know, we haven't been together that long.”
“How long?”
“A weekend,” Jax was embarrassed to admit.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake Jax!”
“In my defence, we have known each other for a lot longer, ten years or so.”
“When are you going to settle down, hey, get married, you know, make a commitment?”
“I don't know if I ever will.”
“What are you so concerned about Jax? You know nothing changes when you get married, right? Just look at Jules and me. I still do all the things I used to do before we got married, as does she, only now it's better because I get to come home and share things with her, and get her perspective on things, and talk things over with her. The joy I get from what I do is now doubled because I get to share it, okay, I haven't lost anything in getting married, in falling in love, I've only gained. Now, let me tell you this, neither of our children was planned, not exactly. There was an idea that maybe sometime in the future, perhaps, we might have a child, but nothing definitive. Both were complete accidents.
“You're joking! I had no idea.”
“No, why would you? We adore both of our children equally, and at the time, neither of us knew if we were going to be good parents, we didn't even actually know if we wanted to be parents, but the reality was, that it was going to happen whether we were ready or not, so we got ready. I think you're asking yourself the wrong question. The question is no longer whether you want to be a father or not because that's already happened, you are now a father, and even before the baby is born, you are a father. The question is whether you are going to stay and be in that child's life, or go, and leave it to be raised without you. That is the question you need to ask yourself, Jax, that is the question you need to decide.”
Jax knew that Kyle was right and once he finished on the phone with him, he turned everything over in his mind, only moving once the light on his dashboard faded to grey. Two days later Jax had his answer, he knew where he stood both mentally and emotionally, and he was ready to let Cassidy know. He had spoken to her each day on the phone since learning that she was pregnant, and he was glad that she had not shut him out. He sent her a quick text message asking if he could pop over and speak with her, and she replied immediately with a yes. When he got to her house, he found her sitting outside on the front patio in the sun, a book in her lap.
“Hi,” he greeted as he sat down in the chair opposite her. “I don't want to push or to pry, but I wondered if you had had time to think things through and if you had made any decisions yet?”
“I’ve done nothing but think about it since you left Jax, but I haven't made any decisions, nor would I, not without you.”
“I've been doing some thinking too, and I've decided that if you want to keep this child, then I would like to be involved. Not in a part-time weekend dad kind of way, but in a full-time every day there for the big and for the little thing’s kind of way.”
“What exactly are you saying, Jax?”
“If you decide to keep the baby, I would like to co-parent with you,” he stated.
“Co-parent?” Cassidy sounded confused.
“Yes, co-parent.”
“How would that work? What would that look like, exactly?”
“Ideally, we would live in the same town, perhaps the same house. I would be free to come and go, as would you. All decisions would be made together, we would share our lives together, kind of like roommates with a baby,” he explained.
